


words we can’t take back

by lovelilkitty



Series: healing [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: 5+1, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Apologies, Gen, Kinda?, vanya and five are my brotp i love them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-06 08:24:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17936264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelilkitty/pseuds/lovelilkitty
Summary: Vanya Hargreeves can’t count the amount of times she’s been told she should’ve died in Ben’s place. So many times that she’s begun to believe it herself.Which means that she’ll do what it takes to stop him from dying this time around, so long as her siblings don’t get in the way.orfive times the hargreeves treated vanya like shit, and one time they apologized.





	1. five times the hargreeves were shitty siblings

**Author's Note:**

> hey! just binged tua on netflix and ofc immediately had to write a fic. bonus part will be up soon! idea inspired by didon on tumblr.
> 
>  
> 
> ~~also pls don’t tell me that them being bitches to her is ooc it’s literally canon that they were all shitty siblings~~

1.

The first time someone tells Vanya she should be dead, she is 16. Ben’s funeral is a mere three hours away, and she figures she should talk to Klaus. He’d been closest with Ben, after all, the two seemingly inseparable. Without Ben, she knew Klaus must feel alone, unimaginably so. And, well, feeling alone was something that Vanya had a bucketload of experience with.

He’s high, when she approaches him. She can smell the weed radiating off of him, and his big eyes are wide and unfocused. She’s seen him like this before, sure. She can’t remember a time when she _hasn’t_ seen him like this, not since they were kids. But something about this feels different, feels like it’s more. Then again, so does everything. Still she approaches him, kneeling in front of him, doing her best not to flinch when his wide, angry eyes focus on her.

She opens her mouth to say- well, what she intends on saying, she isn’t sure- but is cut off by his slurred voice, low and broken. “Why are you here?”

“I just wanted to-” she begins, face flushing, cursing herself in her head. _Stupid, stupid, stupid._ She is _so_ not what he needs right now. 

He interrupts her once more, shaking his head, gesturing around with his pale, slender fingers. “No, no. Why are you _here_?” He’s gesturing around them, at her, at the house, and she doesn’t _understand_. “Why are you here when he isn’t?”

Her eyes widen and _oh_ , she gets it now.

He doesn’t stop, his voice distant and rough, an angry hiss. “Why are you _alive_? You don’t- you don’t deserve to live. Not like he did. You’re- you’re just ordinary. He was _special_.”

She steps back, vision blurring with wet tears she can’t manage to hold back. She _knows_ he doesn’t mean it, or rather, he doesn’t mean to say it aloud. She’s thought it before, and it comes as no shock to her that he has as well, but it still stings to hear him say it.

So she doesn’t turn back when he calls her name, voice apologetic, not when she hears him muttering and cursing under his breath. Not even when she hears a muffled, “I _know_ , god, just shut _up_.” that she will later wonder after, when her tired mind allows herself to think of the occasion, emotions numbed with the pill that is so good at shutting out her pain.

2\. 

The second time is about an hour after the first. Vanya’s been crying for about an hour when Luther finds her, his face tight with disapproval and pent-up anger that he’s never been good at concealing.  
“Why are _you_ crying?” He bites out, voice mocking and angry. 

She looks up, glassy eyes wide and confused. “He was my-”

“Oh don’t give me that bullshit. He wasn’t your brother. You didn’t _know_ him. He was my brother, and I lost him. God, I wish he was here.”

“Me too,” Vanya says, her voice small and hurt. 

“No, no, you don’t get it. I wish he was here instead of _you_.”

This time, when she stumbles away, there’s no attempts to stop her, no regret in her brother’s voice. There’s just silence, a cold, angry silence that envelops her.

3.

The next time she’s told she won’t be missed, it’s less spoken out loud than it is implied. She’s standing at Ben’s grave almost a week after the funeral, eyes downcast, shoulders shaking as she struggles to hold back silent tears. She doesn’t realize she isn’t alone until she feels a comforting hand on her shoulder, a gesture she is unused to. When she whirls around, surprised, she meets her father’s surprised gaze.

“Oh. I thought you were your brother for a moment, Seven.” Which brother he is referring to, she isn’t sure. She’s not sure it matters either. It certainly doesn’t matter as much as what she knows he means- that he wouldn’t have reached out, wouldn’t have comforted her if he’d known who she was. 

“Why are you here, anyways?” She winces, thinking briefly of Klaus.

“I miss him,” she answers, her voice trembling.

He nods, face impassive, but she knows what he’s thinking. _You don’t deserve to miss him. You don’t_ get _to miss him. He should be here in your place._ Her jaw squares, and she turns away, heading back inside, muttering something about wanting to get out of the rain as she goes. 

4.

It’s when she’s leaving that she hears it again, that sentiment that she’s tried so hard to forget. This time it’s from Allison, which she supposes shouldn’t surprise her as much as it does (they’ve all thought it, she knows they have, of course Allison doesn’t actually _like_ her) but Allison’s always been kinder than the others, and she’d fooled herself, just a bit, into thinking her kindness hadn’t been a trick.  
Maybe if she’d been less foolish, the blow wouldn’t have felt quite so low. 

She’s said her strained goodbyes to each of them, and is almost out the door when she hears Allison call her name. She turns around, suitcase quietly hitting her leg as she does so, and faces her sister as she descends the stairs, face filled with a quiet anger that only she had ever been able to possess. The rest of them had always been loud with their anger, with everything. Vanya had learned to quiet herself over the years, but it took time and help from the pills she’d come to rely so heavily upon. And her quiet did nothing but shove her further into the shadows, nothing but make her even more invisible to her family than she’d been before. Allison’s quiet was different, containing a sort of power that the others’s noise could only begin to capture.

“Vanya,” Allison repeated, her features tight. “You’re leaving?”

She raised her eyebrows, surprised. Allison had known she was leaving, had already said goodbye. She wasn’t sure how to respond, wasn’t sure if Allison meant more than she was letting on, more than Vanya understood. She nodded, shrugging helplessly. “I have to get out.” 

Allison rolled her eyes. “You have to get out? Do you have any idea what the rest of us have been through, while you were here playing your stupid violin? Do you have any idea what we’ve lost?”

“Ben was my brother too, Allison.” Her voice is quiet, but she thinks maybe she’s captured a fraction of her sister’s sort of quiet, because in the large space, the words seem to bounce around, feeling louder than anything she’s said before. 

“Was he? If he was your brother, Vanya, _really_ your brother, you’d know him. You’d know he wouldn’t want you to leave. You’d know _he_ wouldn’t have left us, because he knew better than to abandon his family.”

The words cut at her, but she forces herself to keep her chin high. She will not let her last memory of her childhood home be one of her cowering to her sister. “I’m not him, Allison, I never will be!” 

Allison frowns. “Unfortunately.”

She flinches, and turns on her heel, pushing the door open. She doesn’t let herself look back. She doesn’t need to, anyway. Allison’s disapproving face is still burned in her mind. 

Later, Allison calls her house. She doesn’t pick up, doesn’t let herself give in, but she listens to the message, a seemingly endless monologue of _I’m sorry_ ’s and I love you’s that she will spend the next year attempting to believe. 

5\. 

She doesn’t hear from any of them after that, with the exception of a few calls from Allison that take all of her effort to answer, and never last more than ten minutes.

And then she writes her book, and everything changes.

The calls from Allison are less frequent now, and when they do speak, her voice is clipped and lacks its usual politeness. She receives calls from each of her siblings, each sibling somewhere in between anger and betrayal that she doesn’t know how to respond to.

Diego calls last, not bothering to conceal his anger when she picks up. “Vanya.”

“Diego?”

“Why the fuck did you write that?”

“I-”

“No, I’m not done, Vanya. Why the _fuck_ would you do that to us? Wh- what gives you the fu-fu-fu- shit.” 

She can picture him then, standing over the phone, shaking. She hadn’t heard his stutter come out in years, and it surprised her enough that she kept quiet.

When he spoke again, his voice was quiet and controlled, more deliberate than she’d ever heard him. “What gives you the right, Vanya? You didn’t- you weren’t _like_ us, how dare you pretend you get it?”

“I wasn’t _pretending_ anything, Diego,” she exclaims, no longer able to keep herself quiet. “I never once said I got it. What we went through- what he did to us- it was different, you know it was. I never pretended otherwise.”

“You did, though. You pretended you deserved more than us- more than Ben. That’s why you left, isn’t it? Because you aren’t one of Reginald Hargreeve’s freaky wonder kids? You’re just Vanya. You left us all with him, after everything he put us through, and then you started a normal life. None of us could ever do that, not after what he did to us. And your book? The one you wrote so that everyone could fucking pity you? It made it so much harder for us. You know, Ben would’ve never-”

He goes silent. Vanya slams the phone down, shaking, and glances around the room. She glides toward her violin, like a magnet drawn to a magnet, taking it out of its case gently, gazing at it with eyes full of all the love that had never been bestowed upon her, hands slowly stopping their trembling as she begins to play.


	2. the hargreeves get a talking to

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ended up deciding to do three chapters bc i had a lot of feelings and this one got kinda long. next chapter will be apologies + fluff

Five is the first to notice the way Vanya looks at Ben. Her gaze is guilty, apologetic, heartbroken. He’s not sure of the exact circumstances of the latter’s death, but he can’t imagine that Vanya would’ve had anything to do with it. Not while she was on the pills that numbed every emotion she might feel, good or bad. Not while she was still hidden away in the academy, convinced she was ordinary.

First, he turned to Klaus, who offered no help beyond a guilty shrug and a hasty, “I dunno, she destroyed the world, I’d be acting a little weird too, wouldn’t you?”

Five wouldn’t be. So he asks the others one by one, and they all respond with variations of the same answer, always delivered guiltily, none of them meeting his eyes. 

So he asks Ben. Ben frowns, shrugging, lost in thought. Then, his eyes widen, and Five leans forward, frowning. “What? What is it?”

“Well- On my funeral, Klaus said- he was high, you know, he didn’t mean it-”

“What’d he say?”

“He said- he said she should’ve died instead of me.”

“He said _what_?” Five’s face darkens, and he drums his fingers against the arm of the chair, forcing himself to keep quiet, so that Reginald doesn’t hear them, doesn’t realize something’s amiss. Breathing heavily, he closes his eyes for half a second, before allowing himself to look back at Ben. “And the others? Did they say the same?” 

Ben shrugs, frowning. “I don’t know, I’m- I _was_ tied to Klaus.”

Five sighs. “Right, I’ll figure it out. Can you tell him and Vanya that we’re having a family meeting in my room tonight? Around midnight so we’re sure the old man is asleep.”

Ben nods, clapping Five on the back as he starts to leave. “Sure thing. You’re a good brother, Five, you know that?”

Five shrugs. “She deserves better, that’s all.”

Ben nods, grinning. “Yeah, like I said. Good brother. Better than the rest of us, anyways.”

He leaves the room, and Five leans back, eyebrows furrowed together as he considers how best to go about this.

This time, it’s Allison he asks first, because he knows she will be the first to open up, to admit to what she’d done. 

They’re alone in the library, while the others train. He leans back in an oversized armchair, frowning. She sit opposite him, pretending to pore over a book he knows she has no interest in. 

“So you told Vanya you wished she was dead.” His voice is deadly quiet.

Her head snaps up, eyes widened. “How do you-”

“Lucky guess.”

“I was- she was leaving and I just-”

“I’m not really interested in hearing your excuses Allison. Besides, I’m not the one you need to tell them to. Family meeting at midnight tonight, my room. Don’t be late.”

And with that he’s gone, leaving Allison’s mouth agape, guilt pooling in her stomach.

He reappears on Diego’s bed, sitting silently as he watches his brother throw knives, each one hitting dead center. 

“Real men throw knives, right?” He says, smiling coldly as Diego jumps, whirling around. “I’m pretty sure they don’t tell their sister they wish she was dead, though, so I guess you can’t call yourself a real man.”

“Jesus, Five, don’t _do_ that.” Diego says weakly, frowning. 

“Then don’t say shit like that to Vanya.”

“That was ages ago, how do you even-”

“I have my ways.” Five smiles thinly. “And just because it was ages ago-”

“Doesn’t mean it’s okay, yeah, yeah, I know. But how am I supposed to apologize for that? I don’t even know if she-”

“Remembers? She does. Family meeting tonight, my room, around midnight.”

And then he’s gone again, reappearing in Luther’s room with a grim smile. Luther jumps up, eyes wide. “What’s happening? Did Vanya hu-”

“She’s not a monster, monkey boy.” Five bites out, forcing himself to keep his anger in check. 

“She caused the apocalypse, Five!”

“And whose fault was that?” And okay, so maybe he’s given up on keeping his anger in check. ‘

“Hers!” Luther rolls his eyes, hands clenched into fists.

“No, Luther, it wasn’t her fault. It was _ours_. Ours and dear old dad’s. Out of all of us though, I think you deserve the most blame.”

“Me? I didn’t do anything!” 

Five laughs. He laughs and he laughs until he’s doubled over. Finally, he manages to retain control of his breathing, and he glances back up at Luther. “Funniest joke I’ve heard in awhile, big guy. Thanks for that. You’d be surprised how little humor their is to find in the apocalypse.”

“I wasn’t joking,” Luther snarls.

“Oh okay. You call locking our sister in a cage _nothing_? She came to _apologize_ and you suffocated her and then threw her into a cage. A cage that, by the way, she’d been sent to for a long period of time as a child. You faulted her for being unused to a power that she didn’t know she had. That she was _drugged_ into being unable to use. God, she was drugged into not even having fucking _emotions_ and you used that as an excuse to _attack_ her? To lock her in a confined space when she has PTSD from being locked there as a child? And before we left, you were more than willing to leave her to die. Which I suppose came as no surprise to her, since you already told her you wished she’d died instead of Ben, which, I will have you know, he does _not_ approve of. And if you want to name one time you listened to _any_ of us, I’m all ears, because frankly, I can’t think of any. Not before I left, not since I got back. I get it, you’re Number One, you have a weird hero complex. But Luther, we’re a _team_. That means we listen to each other. Just because you and the old man have decided you’re our leader, the rest of our opinions don’t matter? That’s _bullshit_. We’re your siblings, not mindless soldiers who follow your every order. If we want to stop the apocalypse, it’s time to start acting like it. Which means you listen to all of us, including Vanya. Got it?”

Luther sits back on his bed, stunned. “Uh, yeah.”

“Good. Family meeting at midnight in my room tonight. You can start practicing listening then, big guy.”

And then he was gone again, off to who knows where, his siblings left to ponder regrets of the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so as you can see i went _slightly_ overboard w luther but yknow i think it was justified ~~this wasn’t even all i had to say i didn’t even begin getting into the way he treated klaus i think i’ll save that for another fic shdgdgdg~~
> 
> come chat w me abt these lovelies ~~except luther~~ on tumblr (either @rqnanlych or @nmberfive), twitter (@jqsperfahey) or instagram (@nmber.five)


	3. apologies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me yesterday: next chapter will be the last one haha, i promise! i just wrote a little too much this time.  
> me today: next chapter will be the last one haha, i promise! i just wrote a little too much this time!

Allison was the first to enter Five’s room, immediately moving to sit on the bed, fidgeting nervously with her hands. Luther came in next, moving to sit next to her, frowning when she scooted away from him, avoiding his eyes. Following him was Klaus and Ben, who appeared deep in conversation. Ben looked up as they walked in, eyes meeting Five’s, who gave him a curt nod and a small smile in acknowledgement. Diego came soon after them, opting to lean against the wall instead of sitting. 

It wasn’t until they were all assembled in various spots of the room that Vanya made her entrance, eyes wide and frightened. Five waved her over to the armchair beside him, smiling gently at her, before turning to face their siblings. 

“Well, I believe you all owe Vanya an apology. Which one of you’s first?”

“Sorry, Vanya,” Allison said, eyes meeting her sister’s. “I shouldn’t have said what I did when you left. It was cruel and it was the biggest lie I have ever told. I will never stop regretting it.” 

Vanya leaned back in her chair, her face tightening as she inclined her head. Five’s eyebrows raised, and he made eye contact with Klaus, who nodded.

“Vanya. Darling sister of mine. What I said that day was mean. More than mean, actually. It was bad, Vanya, really bad. I was sad and really high and I should’ve apologized the moment I said it.”

Diego readjusted himself, looking down at the knife he was fiddling with. “I’m sorry Vanya. I’ve been an asshole since before you moved out of me. After I read your book, I was- I dunno, I was upset and I said a lot of stuff that I didn’t mean. I’m sorry.”

Vanya’s expression didn’t change as the room went silent, everyone’s gaze adjusting to focus on Luther.

After a moment of silence he reluctantly spoke up, his voice quiet and dispassionate. “Sorry, Vanya.”

They waited for another couple seconds before Five spoke, his voice exasperated and angry. “That’s _it_ , Luther?”

“Enough, Five.” Vanya sounded tired when she spoke, and everyone’s gaze swiveled to her. “I don’t want their apologies, not like this. Not when the whole thing is so clearly orchestrated by you. Besides, I hardly deserve it. I ended the world and you want them to apologize for saying something that hurt my feelings? _I’m_ the one who should be apologizing, not them.”

“Vanya-” Five starts, but she’s already standing up, smiling kindly at him. “Really Five, thank you.”

And then she was leaving, before any of them had a chance to protest. Five rolls his eyes, glaring at the rest of them. “Alright, out of my room.”

Grudgingly they all leave, Five sighing as he falls back on his bed, covering his face with hands. She was right about one thing- she deserved apologies that weren’t orchestrated by him. Which meant from now on, he had to stop interfering. Which was fine in every case except that of Luther, who still appeared to be struggling with coming to terms with his past mistakes. He could only hope Allison would talk some sense into their stubborn brother.

The next day is a mission for everyone but Vanya, who retreats to her room with her violin, playing a beautiful, mournful melody. If their father noties the sudden improvement in her skill set, he makes no comment, so she sees no reason to disguise her skill set. 

She can tell when they return, can hear their father heartily congratulating them on a job well done. She tries not to be bitter, tries not to think about how he never apologizes to her like that, but it’s just about impossible to do so, and she sighs, slumping as she begins to pack up her violin. When she turns around, there’s a knock at the door, which she tentatively opens. 

“Allison?” She still can’t quite wrap her head around the idea that her siblings would come into her room, looking for her, even if it’s Allison. 

“Vanya, hi.” Allison smiles warmly, and Vanya swallows, trying hard not to flinch at the sound of her voice, trying not to think about the fact that if Five hadn’t brought them back, she would’ve never heard Allison’s voice again. 

Allison notices though, and she frowns, clearly trying not to appear bothered. “I heard you playing when we got back. It was beautiful, as always. You’re really gifted, Vanya.”

“Thanks.” She tries not to make the word sound forced, but she knows it does, can tell by the way Allison’s smile tightens, her shoulders tensing. She wonders if they’ll ever stop dancing this awkward dance that seems to drive them further and further apart. She wonders if they _can_.

“Vanya, I just wanted to let you know that I really am sorry. I know you have no reason to believe me, but I love you and I’m sorry.”

“Thanks.” Vanya says again, her voice even more mechanical than before. She doesn’t believe it, can’t bring herself to. This is all a clear part of Five’s plan to make her feel better, which is merely a part of his plan to save the world. She knows it is, and while Allison’s a good actor, a good liar, she won’t let herself be fooled. Not even by the _I love you_ that she longs to believe so badly that it hurts.

Allison nods, looking at a loss for words for a moment before her eyes brighten. “Hey, Vanya, we’re sneaking out for donuts tonight, want to come?”

Vanya blinks, surprised. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, that sounds good.”

“Great! Meet in my room tonight at 11ish, alright?”

Vanya nods, stunned, as the other girl exits, still beaming. She thinks, for a moment, that maybe it’s a set-up, before dismissing the thought. They have to be nice to her if they want to save the world, after all. Still, she might as well pretend otherwise, pretend the invitation is sincere. 

She leaves her room for a moment, called down by Grace to take her meds. She fakes it, as they had planned, keeping the pill under her tongue and pretending to swallow, before spitting it into the trash when her mother’s back is turned. When she returns, Klaus is sitting on her bed, glancing around at her possessions with great interest.

“Uh, hi.” She says, quietly. His gaze swivels to her, and he smiles, fingers drumming against his leg. He seems to be always moving these days, always fidgeting, always appearing nervous. She wonders if it’s rooted in his newfound sobriety. She doesn’t know enough to be certain. 

“Vanya, just the person I was looking for!”

“That’s me,” she says lightly, forcing a smile. “What’s up?”

“I wanted to apologize. I realize I may not have sounded all that sincere earlier, and I’d like to announce that that was hardly my intention.”

“Uh… thanks?” She wonders if Five actually thought this could fool her into believing his siblings were sincere. 

 

“You’re coming to get donuts with us tonight,” he says decisively. 

She nods slowly, tentatively saying, “Uh, yeah, Allison invited me earlier.”

“Oh, wonderful!” He exclaims, clasping his hands together. “Ugh, you should’ve seen the guys we dealt with earlier. Of course, they were child’s play compared to what we dealt with earlier- later? Those guys following Five. But then again, it’s different now that we’re kids again. Well, kids physically. You knew what I meant, though, I assume.”

“Yeah.” She smiles lightly, unsure where the conversation is going.

“Anyway, Five wanted me to ask you how faking your meds worked.”

“Why couldn’t he just ask himself?” She says, momentarily annoyed.

“I don’t know. Because he’s Five? I don’t think the new Five is quite as good at showing people he cares as the old one was. He’s avoided vulnerability for too long to allow himself to start displaying emotion that easily.”

“Oh. That makes a lot of sense, actually. You can tell him it went fine.” She wonders when Klaus had gotten so smart. It sounded a lot more like something Ben might say. Then again, she supposed Klaus had spent enough time with Ben that his mannerisms had started to rub off. 

Klaus smiles, giving her a mock salute as he rises. “I might as well go do that. See you tonight, sis.”

She nods, smiling weakly. “Yeah. Tonight.” 

She thinks that maybe she’s willing to pretend she doesn’t know they’re insincere, doesn’t know Five put them up to this, if only it means she gets to have more conversations like that, where she’s treated as an equal for the first time since Leonard- Harold. She cringes at the memory, falling back onto her bed. 

A knock at the door keeps her from drifting off into her usual restless slumber, and she sits up. 

“Come in!”

Out of all the people she was expecting to walk into her room, Diego was certainly not one of them. She’d never been close to him, but they’d drifted apart more and more as time went on- and then she wrote her book, the final rift that drove them apart for what she assumed was forever. Yet here he was, looking simultaneously guilty and nervous.

“Hey, uh, I just wanted to let you know- look I’m not good at apologies, but I am sorry. I- I love you, and I know I treated you like shit, and there might be times when I still do, but I’m trying, and I’m not gonna let myself treat you the way I did. I fucked up really bad, Vanya.”

She looks at him for a long moment, before nodding. “Thanks, Diego.”

He nods, and starts to leave before she stops him.

“I- uh, I love you too, Diego.” The words feel strange and foreign on her tongue, despite how true they are, how true they always have been, but she supposes it’s worth it to see her brother smile.

“Do you want to come get donuts with us, tonight?”

She raises her eyebrows, because _wow_ , if she hadn’t thought something was going to go down at the donut shop earlier, she certainly does now. “Allison asked me already. So did Klaus, actually. I’ll see you there.”

He smiles and nods, and then he’s gone. Closing her eyes, she lets herself drift into the land of dreams, in hopes that she will be rested for whatever goes down later that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so no, luther didn’t apologize this chapter. yes, he will end up apologizing, but i happen to have _plans_ for his apology ;)  
> come chat w me abt these lovelies ~~except luther~~ on tumblr (either @rqnanlych or @nmberfive), twitter (@jqsperfahey) or instagram (@nmber.five)

**Author's Note:**

> come chat w me abt these lovelies ~~except luther~~ on tumblr (either @rqnanlych or @nmberfive), twitter (@jqsperfahey) or instagram (@nmber.five)


End file.
